At the start of your relationship, everything was sweet and romantic, like a scene from a movie. It only makes sense that you got married when you did, but fast forward a decade or two, and maybe a few kids later, things have progressively gone downhill. You and your partner have never been on such different wavelengths before, and most days, it takes all your energy to even listen to them speak, let alone entertain meaningful conversation. You might be thinking you’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work, and you’ve just about given up on trying. Well, good news! I can guarantee the reason for your problems will be either one or more of the following topics we will address:
A) You are treating your man like a child
B) You are using your partner as an excuse to be complacent
C) You are asking to be disrespected
Notice that I have intentionally used the tone of ‘You’ being responsible for the unhappy marriage instead of something like ‘He is acting like a child.’ This is because women should rightfully be in control of a relationship and can only do so from a position of responsibility or power. You cannot commandeer happiness if you continue being a victim to your situation. Therefore, in this context, I am telling you it is your fault, and thus you hold the power to correct your marriage and, in effect, your life as a whole.
A) Stop treating your man like a child
At first, you admired your partner; you let them lead you by the hand and sweep you off your feet. You determined that he made good decisions and had faith in him being a good husband and a good father. Now things have changed, and you feel as if your partner is incompetent. You worry about every decision they make and sometimes cannot fathom why they think or act the way they do. You do everything you can to insert yourself and ‘help’ them, whether in making business or financial decisions or even the smallest things like reprimanding them for picking overripe fruit from the supermarket. You stopped trusting them.
This is not to say the motive behind your feelings and actions are invalid. I am certain you feel your partner has failed you somewhere along the way, and that trust has been gradually chipping away over time. I am also not discounting the good intentions you had in worrying and the amount of time and energy you have spent trying to save your marriage. However, if it hasn’t worked so far, then at least try to consider this:
- Men and women are very different (Equal, but different!)
- A man in his masculine energy will thrive in taking the lead and taking action to provide for his partner.
- A mature man seeks a woman who will be his feminine counterpart; he will NOT feel attracted to a woman who will play the role of his mother.
I know in your mind you are thinking ‘How can I do nothing and put my trust in my partner when he hasn’t proven himself to me?’ And I can acknowledge that it is difficult for you to change the way you have been acting towards your partner, particularly if it has been this way for many years. But continuing to express doubt in your partner’s ability is not going to positively impact the situation.
Here’s what to do instead:
- Detach from the situation and reduce importance on the expectations you have for your partner. After all, what does it matter if you waste energy having expectations and feeling disappointed if this is only going to cause you to drift further in the relationship?
- Disengage and remove yourself from the environment if necessary for you to objectively assess the situation.
- Do nothing, AKA let your partner do their job. A relationship is not going to work without faith, and if you continue to insert yourself into their business and micromanaging them, then you are doing a detriment to your partner’s self-esteem and the relationship overall.
B) Stop using your partner as an excuse to be complacent
Yes, I know reading that line feels like tough love, but deep down you feel inadequate somewhere, or you are unhappy with your circumstances, so you focus on your partner’s shortcomings rather than your own personal advancement. I’ve been there, done that, and know it all too well. It’s time to face the following:
- Your partner’s responsibilities are theirs and have nothing to do with you.
- You need to focus on YOURSELF.
- By focusing on them, you are inadvertently trying to assert control and compensate for your own personal lack of power.
- You are being avoidant of acknowledging and performing the necessary self-work needed to grow and progress in your life.
Rest assured that by achieving your goals and focusing on what brings you happiness and fulfillment, you are certain to see a shift in the perception of the world around you. As within, so without. If you are still holding onto any negative aspects of your past such as trauma, limiting beliefs, or are currently in a position that makes you unhappy (e.g., you lack fulfillment in your job, feel insecure about your physical appearance or health, etc.), then make this your number one priority. Your well-being and happiness or lack thereof directly impact the people you interact with, so not only are you doing yourself a disservice by placing your attention elsewhere, but you are negatively impacting the people closest to you, that is, your partner.
You are probably thinking, ‘Okay, that’s easy enough to hear, but even if I wanted to, I don’t know how to work on myself,’ which is fair enough. So I’ll make it simple for you by giving you only one step to follow:
- Establish your goals and work towards achieving them.
That’s it. We all have inner desires, and this acts as our purpose in life. Just follow yours, and everything will fall into place, whether your goal is to lose weight, find a higher-paying job that you enjoy, work for yourself, own a house, become a good parent, or whatever, as long as you continue to put one step in front of the other with your goal at the forefront, you will get there.
“As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”
― Hermes Trismegistus
C) Stop asking for disrespect
Provocative language used in the heading there, point taken. It comes to mind there are cases of domestic violence, assault, and harassment within relationships and marriages, and you might be thinking, ‘How can you say victims in this situation are asking for disrespect?’ I will acknowledge that those without prior knowledge can never be at fault, but anyone who is reading this article now is capable of taking full responsibility, in other words, full control of their life from this point on.
Another valid question is, ‘Why would anyone ask for disrespect in the first place? And what does that even mean?’. To clarify, if you continue to ignore your feelings and allow others to inflict pain on you without repercussion, then you are letting them know that this behavior will be tolerated time and time again. If your partner treats you poorly yet you express no consequence and continue staying committed to them, you are essentially rewarding bad behavior. There is a method you can use called the Carrot and Stick which you should apply to all interpersonal relationships. It can be summed up as follows:
Someone displays good behavior towards you ➡ Give them the carrot, i.e., reward.
Someone displays bad behavior towards you ➡ Give them the stick, i.e., consequence.
By being proactive and responding correctly to external interactions, you are enforcing a cognitive reward system that favors mutual respect. Through becoming conscious and aware in recognizing good and bad behavior displayed towards you, you can apply this approach repeatedly with your partner and the people you interact with, which will reinforce neurological pathways in the direction of positive change. Here are some examples of this in the context of a romantic relationship:
| Carrot (Rewarding Positive Behavior) | Stick (Consequences for Negative Behavior) |
|---|---|
| Your partner plans a surprise date night; you express appreciation and plan a romantic gesture in return. | Partner displays consistent neglect; address the behaviour, set clear boundaries, and establish consequences if neglect continues. |
| Your significant other supports you through a tough time; you reciprocate by being emotionally present and planning a special, intimate evening. | Partner consistently undermines your feelings or disregards your needs; communicate assertively, set boundaries, and reconsider the relationship if such behavior persists. |
| Your partner shows understanding and compromise in a disagreement; you express gratitude and reciprocate with a thoughtful gesture. | Partner persistently failures to honor commitments or promises; address the behaviour and clearly communicate expectations, and consider the future of the relationship if the behavior continues. |
| Your significant other provides unwavering support during challenges; you reciprocate by being supportive, engaging, and actively contributing to the relationship. | Partner displays disrespectful behavior or makes hurtful remarks; confront the behaviour, communicate your boundaries, and consider distancing yourself if such behavior continues. |
| Your partner consistently contributes to shared responsibilities; you express appreciation and make additional efforts to enhance the relationship. | Partner fails to fulfill shared responsibilities; discuss how this makes you feel, establish consequences like reevaluating commitments, or seeking professional help if necessary. |
End note
There are only three steps mentioned in this article because there is no need to overcomplicate simple things, and a marriage is no exception. Maintain that you are the person in control of any given situation, whether that be your relationships or life in general. It is only through knowledge and self-realization that we are able to objectively observe our current situations and alter them to fit our desired state. A happy relationship is just as common as an unhappy one, and the only difference lies in which one you choose (answer is D).
A) Treat your partner like a man
B) Focus on yourself to avoid becoming complacent
C) Only entertain and reward respect
D) All of the above
Disclaimer:
The article “Your Marriage Sucks? Here’s How to Fix it” by Evelyn D. serves as general guidance and is not a substitute for professional advice. The content reflects personal perspectives, and readers are urged to approach it with an open mind, considering the uniqueness of each relationship.
The author encourages personal responsibility in addressing relationship challenges. However, complex issues may require professional intervention, and readers facing severe difficulties are advised to consult qualified relationship counselors or mental health professionals.
This article aims to stimulate self-reflection but does not replace professional guidance. The author and the platform are not liable for consequences arising from applying the information. Readers are urged to exercise discretion and seek professional help if necessary.
Remember, relationships are intricate, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
