Resentment builds in a relationship when each partner is failing to reach their highest potential. That is the reason why long term relationships fail and I see it all too often. When it came to my own parents, my mum resented my dad for making her feel like she wasn’t good enough by constantly telling her she was fat and frequently making jabs about her intelligence. Instead of working on her own self esteem and setting boundaries she became a victim to unhappy circumstance. From a distance it wasn’t hard to see that my dad was merely projecting his own insecurities and felt he himself was lacking financially and emotionally. When it came to myself, I recently ended a seven-year long term relationship that once consisted of two people destined to be together forever, which, over time, led to deep seeded resentment and eventually the parting of ways. Why is this so? It’s because if don’t take the steps needed to grow as individuals, over time the person we really start to hate is ourselves, and unfortunately it is our partners whom we project this onto and thus, the resentment cycle begins:
The Resentment Cycle
It starts when one or both partners become unhappy with themselves; this could be due to personally onboarding negative comments from the other person, or any issue affecting self esteem in life aspects such as career, finances, health, body image, relationships etc. Following these feelings of inadequency, one can either choose to improve themselves or neglect their own self development. If the individual decides to take matters into their own hands and improve their life situation, this puts them on the path towards reaching their highest potential, which can only have a positive flow on effect on their relationship. If instead, an individual decides to neglect this call for self improvement and instead chooses to internalise feelings of low self esteem, it is only a matter of time before they project unhappiness towards their partner and the resentment cycle repeats itself.
How to Avoid it
The only way for each person to escape the resentment cycle and avoid projecting hate towards their partners, is to focus on reaching their highest potential. Through this, partners are able to grow together and maintain a healthy long term relationship. If, like myself in the past, you have desperately tried to shed light on the situation and coerce your partner into changing for their own good, then you must have realised that this sort of intervention is futile. Instead of trying to induce change in the other person, you, the person reading this, should only focus on variables you can control. This means to:
- Avoid taking negative comments personally
- Set boundaries where needed
- Focus on achieving your own goals
- Give your partner room to achieve their own goals
It really is that simple, yet most people make the mistake of taking jabs from their partner personally; thinking that their partners are out to get them rather than seeing it for what it truly is – a projection of the other person’s insecurities. Negative projections are always a sign of emotional immaturity, and you always have the option of either ending a relationship, or clearly and calmly communicating your boundaries when you feel disrespected and showing compassion for the other person. Afterall, no one ever intentionally wants to be in a situation where they create discord with their own loved ones, because ultimately this results in harm to themselves; this behaviour occurs due to a lack of self awareness and is the outcome of a persons circumstance when they lack knowledge required to change the situation for the better. However, you, dear reader, will have gained the self awareness to effectively deal with this from the perspective of a third person observer and will be able to prevent resentment within your relationship should you make the choice to.
Setting boundaries where needed
It needs to be established that there is a vast difference between setting necessary boundaries out of love and enforcing rules to spite your partner. Boundary setting should stem from the intention of wanting to reduce harm to the relationship and foster an environment for peace. For example, if your partner becomes angry and goes on a tangent spouting hateful words and insults, show respect for yourself by leaving the environment until you are both able to calm down. By not adding fuel to the fire you are avoiding further conflict and doing both yourself and your partner a favour by preventing them from humiliating themselves to the point of no return.
Ideally, you should have set firm boundaries and established deal breakers early on in the relationship. If you have not, then simply find an opportunity where both partners are calm and establish clear boundaries, then make them sacred. If either partner does not accept these terms then it would be wise to end the relationship here and cut your losses. If an agreement is made then you must honour it as the foundation for your healthy relationship, make an effort to communicate any change of mind on your part, and leave the partnership out of respect for yourself if these promises are broken. See the following for examples of healthy boundaries to include in your agreement and ultimatums you want to avoid:
| Healthy Boundaries | Unhealthy Ultimatums |
|---|---|
| 1. Communication Expectations: Open and honest communication is encouraged. | 1. Control Over Personal Choices: Dictating how your partner should live their life. |
| 2. Personal Space and Independence: Respect for each other’s need for personal space is acknowledged. | 2. Isolating from Supportive Relationships: Demanding exclusive attention and isolation from friends and family. |
| 3. Emotional Well-being Consideration: Mutual support during challenges. | 3. Emotional Blackmail: Using emotional manipulation to get one’s way. |
| 4. Financial Responsibilities: Clear understanding of financial roles and responsibilities | 4. Financial Coercion: Controlling finances as a means of manipulating and dominating your partner. |
| 5. Respect for Individual Values: Acknowledging and respecting each other’s individual values. | 5. Threats of Relationship Sabotage: Using threats of ending the relationship as a means of control. |
| 6. Time Management Agreements: Establishing mutual agreements on time spent together and apart. | 6. Emotional or Physical Abuse: Any form of abuse is strictly unacceptable and should not be tolerated. |
Remember, boundaries are meant to preserve the well-being of both partners and the relationship. Ultimatums that seek to control or manipulate are detrimental to the health of the relationship. It’s crucial to discuss and mutually agree upon boundaries that contribute to a positive and respectful partnership.
Elevate a relationship by reaching your highest potential
Resentment builds in a relationship when each partner is failing to reach their highest potential.
Some people obey their significant other’s every wish and demand while pushing their own needs to the side. These people become increasingly unhappy while at the same time wondering why they are not being rewarded nor appreciated for their efforts. The reality is, people respect people who respect themselves. This is no exception in the context of a relationship. To continuously follow in the footsteps of someone else while ignoring your own goals and harbouring self loathing along the way is behaviour typically seen in people pleasers who lack independent thinking. The act of suppressing your individuality is an effective way to diminish attraction between two romantically involved people. Your partner will not leave you for wanting to pursue your own accomplishments if their intent for being with you is genuine. In fact, this is the only way to prevent hatred or resentment towards the people closest to you; resentment towards them for not striving to become better, resentment towards yourself for failing to achieve your goals, and resentment from both sides for the quiet however incessant guilt of holding each other back from reaching ones highest potential.
To reach your highest potential, focus on:
- Only doing the things you want to do
- Exploring and pursuing your life’s purpose
- Prioritising self improvement
- Overcoming personal shortcomings or insecurities
Allow your partner to reach their highest potential
We were all born as unique individuals with our own particular interests, passions and talents. When we are fortunate enough to enter into a relationship, we are given the opportunity to coexist in partnership with another unique individual who has their own likes, dislikes, passions and so forth. Where most relationships go wrong is when partners start to take for granted the uniqueness of their companion; they start to place forth expectations, demand change, and become unhappy when the other person doesn’t oblige them. In other words, they lose sight of unconditional love.
Definition
unconditional love
noun
- Unconditional love is free from conditions, expectations, and attachment. It is love without possession nor the condition of being loved back. A mother who loves unconditionally will raise her child to adulthood and expect nothing in return. She is accepting of her child despite all their flaws and insecurities and does not demand that the love and attention be requited.
Loving your partner unconditionally is the way to remedy hate and resentment within a relationship. This means to focus on YOURSELF and the attainment of your goals. Additionally, this means allowing your partner the space and freedom to pursue their own interests without judgement. You will observe that as both people undergo growth without interruption from one another in a supportive environment, a relationship can be allowed to thrive and withstand change over time. Change is ember that brings new excitement and life to the flame of attraction, especially if the fire has been dormant for a while.
Summary:
- Resentment builds in a relationship when each partner is failing to reach their highest potential.
- To escape the resentment cycle,
- Avoid taking negative comments personally
- Set boundaries where needed
- Focus on achieving your own goals
- Give your partner room to achieve their own goals
- Allow your relationship to grow by giving unconditional love and freeing your partner from expectations
Disclaimer:
The views and advice presented in this article are solely for informational purposes and should not be considered as professional counseling or therapy. Each individual’s situation is unique, and readers are encouraged to seek guidance from qualified professionals for personalized assistance. The author is not responsible for any consequences resulting from the implementation of suggestions or strategies discussed in the article. Additionally, this content is not a substitute for professional relationship advice, and readers should consult with relevant experts for specific concerns related to their relationships.
