Caught up in deep feelings of jealousy every time you think about your partner sleeping with their ex? Comparing yourself to other men and/or women and coming up with endless reasons to feel miserable about yourself? We’ve all been there and done that whether or not we like to admit it. You aren’t the first nor last person to stalk their partner’s exes out of curiosity only to become tangled in a loop of reasons to continue feeling upset and victimized.
The reason you continue to dwell on these negative feelings can help point towards the solution to your problem – that is, you are putting way too much emphasis on your partner and becoming reliant on them when the focus should be on you.
First of all, give yourself some credit
The fact that you are choosing to address these feelings is commendable. Jealousy is a deep and heavy feeling often enshrouded with shame and embarrassment. It’s no wonder that people hate to admit it, let alone talk about it. Jealousy, which ultimately stems from low self-worth, is cause for the premature ending of countless relationships that still possess long-term potential. Among both sexes, these feelings can drive people to withdraw from their partners, sabotage their own relationships by withholding communication, and even cheat on their spouses to ‘get even’ in a game that inflicts damage on both sides.
The act of seeking help for these feelings gives you, dear reader, the power to ‘nip it in the bud’ before even more insidious thoughts can arise.
Second, take the attention off your partner
This is the reality – when you are constantly dwelling on thoughts about your partner and their past romantic history or comparing yourself to other people and seeing their interactions as a threat, you are putting WAY too much focus on your partner and other people in general. Imagine if your best friend or family member was in the same situation; from a distance, it would appear almost gross to put someone else on such a high pedestal in comparison to yourself.
AKA YOU ARE GIVING THEM WAY TOO MUCH OF YOUR OWN ENERGY!
All you need is a pep talk – hype yourself up because you have more self-esteem than that; you are above the level of a slave or servant or underling so start acting like it. You likely felt quite confident in yourself at the beginning of the relationship because you knew that your partner was interested in you and solely you. Now is no different. You do not need them to complete you. They are lucky to have you and all these negative thoughts are internal; they have no basis in reality and you know it. You personally know what it feels like to connect with other people or have a love interest, and you know that these feelings were temporary and, most importantly, in the past.
Third, give yourself all the attention
Can you guess what time it is? It is time to detach! ☺ In other words, it is time to recollect yourself and remember that there is nothing anyone can give you, no amount of external validation that you can receive, from anyone other than YOU. You are already complete. Anyone whom you allow to enter into your life has the privilege of being close to you, and you, in fact, never have to be reliant on anyone other than yourself. The solution to your answer is internal. Anything you need to feel complete or fulfilled already lies internally. Additionally, relationships in which both partners are able to coexist, appreciate, and love each other unconditionally are naturally resilient.
Simply bring the focus to loving yourself and giving yourself all the attention you need. Once you have fulfilled your own internal needs, you automatically become a beacon that radiates and attracts love externally. In practical terms, this can look like addressing your own health, fitness, dietary needs; working towards achieving personal goals, and paying attention to self-care e.g. grooming, personal hygiene, and lifestyle improvement.
You are enough. What is meant to be is meant to be, and if a relationship is meant for you, then it will bring you happiness. But you must care for yourself first and foremost. If a relationship is not meant to be, then be assured knowing that you are already complete regardless of whether or not you have a partner, and that if things don’t work out, then the universe has better things intended for you.
Quick recap:
- Be proud of yourself for addressing difficult feelings instead of cowering away from them.
- Stop giving your partner too much attention AKA giving away too much of your own energy.
- Recall that you are enough and complete and focus on YOU and your goals.
