It’s hard, I know. That is, dealing with people who spread negativity and seem to have a personal vendetta with you for no good reason. But, it’s going to happen. You could be an online content creator dealing with trolls and online hate, or a student who seems to get the short end of the stick at school, or someone who had terrible parents growing up – such as the kind of parents who always managed to discourage you or make you feel like you were never good enough. This article is here to help in the simplest, most effective way possible. You can rise above any adversity so long as you keep this simple formula in mind:
If you are reactive ➡ DO NOT ENGAGE
Whether you are thrown insults, accused of wrongdoings you never committed, have been called grossly inaccurate descriptions of yourself (e.g., a stupid idiot, retard, ugly, slut, etc.), it does not matter. IF you are upset, that is, you are unable to stay calm and think objectively, then DO NOT ENGAGE. If you are emotional, you cannot win in this situation; on the contrary, you risk humiliating yourself and further lowering your self-esteem. By ‘DO NOT ENGAGE,’ I am meaning you should remove yourself from the situation altogether. Do not try too hard to avoid it because this will only attract more of the same. To remove yourself from the situation means to completely detach, to avoid taking anything said personally, and to act as if that layer of reality does not even pertain to you.
In this context,
Detachment is the intentional release of emotional and mental attachments, promoting inner freedom and peace by letting go of ego-driven desires and embracing the impermanence of the present moment.
You can only be harmed when your ego is involved. In this case, we are not referring to physical pain; we are referring to the kind of emotional pain that has the ability to linger and interfere with your life on a daily basis if left to its own devices. To involve your ego means to take things personally and therefore allow it to enter into the layer of your identity. To detach is akin to skillfully dodging any metaphorical bullets of negativity, letting them fly past beside you while you remain unfazed and unaffected. Conversely, to engage while you are in a reactive state is like flinging your arms about while bullets fly towards you, making yourself an easy target asking to be wounded and further ridiculed.
| Scenario | Outcome of Reaction | Outcome of Disengaging |
|---|---|---|
| A celebrity receives online hate due to a perceived scandal | The celebrity lashes out with a heat-fueled response; further humiliation and attention from the press is prolonged | The spotlight passes with time as the news is replaced by more recent events |
| A student is mocked by bullies at school | The student reacts with anger; the bullies are pleased and continue trying to evoke a response | The bullies become bored, dissatisfied, and are forced to move on |
| Your parents are comparing you to your siblings and expressing discontent | You lash out at them and start an argument; it becomes an awkward situation and their opinion does not change | Your parent’s opinion dissolves into thin air, it does not impact your life whatsoever |
| An employee faces unjust criticism at work | The employee defends themselves aggressively, creating tension in the workplace | Colleagues lose interest, and the focus shifts to other work-related matters |
| A person receives negative comments on social media | Responding with hostility, escalating the online conflict | Choosing not to engage, the negativity fades as others lose interest |
| Someone is gossiping about you behind your back | Confronting the gossip with anger, fueling the rumor mill | Ignoring the gossip, leading to its eventual disappearance |
Shift from reactive ➡ Non-reactive
If the goal is to avoid reactivity, then we must first learn to be non-reactive or calm. These are the strategies to achieve this state, from which you can use an objective mind to control and shift any situation in your favor:
- DO NOTHING – When you start to feel your emotions bubble up to the surface during a stressful situation, detach from the emotions themselves and observe the sensations they produce. Notice the tension in your muscles, the change in body temperature as heat rises up to your cheeks, the urge to speak without thinking first and inflict pain, and do nothing as you observe these symptoms without acting on them.
- DO NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY – Any negativity projected onto you is ALWAYS the reflection of someone else’s inner state of inadequacy; no matter who they are, their age, or their standing in society. There are no exceptions to this rule. Therefore, you must not hold any attachment to negative or unjust words spoken at you.
- REMOVE YOURSELF from the environment if necessary to detach from your emotions. In a high-conflict environment where there is tension or danger, move to a different location so that you can better observe your emotions as they de-escalate.
This is all you need to do. Once you can observe your emotions from a third-person perspective, in other words, stop engaging with your negative thoughts and feelings, then they will simply dissipate on their own. You do not need to try too hard to control or change your thoughts as this would defeat the purpose of disengaging with them. Just by putting yourself in a safe environment and noticing your thoughts come and go, you automatically shift yourself away from mental disarray and enter into the present moment.
NEVER EVER EVER give into reaction
Make this a solemn agreement with yourself. It is ALWAYS better to DO NOTHING until you are in a place of calmness or neutrality, rather than give in to a strong urge or feeling to project and reciprocate negativity. This is not to say you shouldn’t stand up for yourself; much the opposite. Once you can shift from a reactive to calm state of mind using the technique above, you will be in a position to shift the situation without falling seduction to someone else’s reaction trap. People project negativity with the sole purpose of stealing energy from someone else, whether they are aware of it or not.
This means to NEVER give in to the mind’s seduction. Your mind or ego will try to lull you into responding out of anger or a sense of injustice. If this happens, do not give in. Remind yourself that you have the choice to DO NOTHING and shift from a reactive to a non-reactive state of mind. Be aware that the instance you let a negative phrase affect you personally, you have already lost, as this means you have started associating it with your identity and opened the gates for verbal poison to infiltrate your self-esteem. If this happens, you will feel wounded temporarily, but will then have the opportunity to try again. Even if you are unsuccessful at first with this technique, continue to practice by reminding yourself to DO NOTHING, DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY, and REMOVE YOURSELF if necessary. With repetition, you will master non-reactivity until it becomes second nature.
When you are non-reactive ➡ ENGAGE ONLY TO UPLIFT
We have established that to engage or respond to negativity means to lower yourself to someone else’s level, which can only put you at a disadvantage by exposing you to more derision. These are your most favorable options in the face of contempt:
- DO NOTHING or
- UPLIFT
You will notice that retaliating in the traditional sense of revenge is not included above. For the sake of appeasing a mind that is hungry for ‘justice,’ the reason being that DOING NOTHING or UPLIFTING someone is a much more effective method of retribution. If someone’s goal of spreading negativity is essentially to draw your energy by evoking a reaction, then by not engaging with them you are essentially saying they are beneath acknowledgment; it sends the message that they are insignificant to the point of non-recognition. The other option is to UPLIFT someone; this one takes compassion and understanding; it is a more difficult response to master in the beginning when you are still working to control reactive tendencies but is the most beneficial course of action for you because the result is that you will gain their favor. That is, you will either gain a friend, a fan, or a positive companion.
TO UPLIFT SOMEONE:
As mentioned earlier in this article, understand that any negativity projected onto you is ALWAYS the reflection of someone else’s inner state of inadequacy; no matter who they are, their age, or their standing in society. There are no exceptions to this rule. To uplift someone it is enough to change how you view them. You do not even need to interact with them. This is what I mean:
- Picture haters or trolls as teenagers or adults who lack emotional security and self-esteem. They would not be projecting negativity otherwise. In this way, they appear less fortunate than you. The same goes with bullies or parents; they only inflict pain or express disapproval as an outward reflection of their inner state of dissatisfaction with the self.
- Becoming aware of this, you realize that the only way to react to those less fortunate or unenlightened is to treat them with compassion.
- You make the shift from being a victim of circumstance to someone who is enlightened and able to see through the smoke that is simply a projection of insecurity from a naive or uninformed group of individuals.
- Instead of radiating energy at the same level of negativity, by changing your perspective and thoughts towards haters, trolls, bullies, and/or ignorant family members, you will automatically emit energy that UPLIFTS others since you can view them from a place of understanding and kindness.
Hence, any actions or words you verbalize from this state of mind will be productive rather than dismantling; loving rather than hateful and you will notice yourself attracting more of the same positive energy.
SUMMARY
All problems stem from negativity between interpersonal relationships. So long as you remember these four rules, you will always be equipped to deal with haters, trolls, bullies, and bad parents alike.
- If you are reactive ➡ DO NOT ENGAGE
- Shift from reactive ➡ Non-reactive
- NEVER EVER EVER give into reaction
- When you are non-reactive ➡ ENGAGE ONLY TO UPLIFT
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Disclaimer:
The content of this article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice. The author is not a licensed therapist, and the information provided should not replace psychological or medical guidance.
Dealing with negativity from haters, trolls, bullies, and difficult family situations can be challenging, and individual circumstances vary. The strategies suggested are based on personal experiences and may not be suitable for everyone. Consult a qualified professional for personalized advice.
The article emphasizes non-reactivity and detachment, but it’s crucial to recognize the uniqueness of each individual’s well-being. If facing significant distress, seek assistance from mental health professionals.
Exercise discretion and critical thinking when applying the principles discussed. The author and any associated parties are not responsible for consequences arising from the use of the information in this article.
