Yeah, I know the title is pretty juicy and sounds like an oxymoron. But actually, these rules can be applied by anyone to have a successful relationship. I just happen to be a woman. Also, I don’t really like the word manipulate because it has a negative connotation, so think of it as being interchangeable with ‘fine-tuning’ since we all have good intentions here (I hope) and want the best for our partners. Anyway, here goes:
Rule #1: ALWAYS put yourself first
I don’t care if you are a woman or a man reading this; you could be a hermaphrodite, and this advice would still apply to you. If you want a relationship to be successful, then you MUST put yourself first. The consequences of putting your needs aside and your partner’s needs on a pedestal include an insidious buildup of resentment, unnecessary misunderstanding, and a lack of respect, just to name a few. Basically, it won’t end well, and the relationship most likely will end. You cannot pour out of an empty cup, and this concept applies just the same. Spend the most time with yourself. Work on yourself and build up so much self-love by doing things out of respect for your body, mind, and spirit that you only have love and positive energy to give in the presence of others. It also follows that you should only do things you want to – this includes prioritizing your time and energy and saying no to your partner if a request is not in your best interest. This absolutely means declining intimacy without needing a reason if you are not feeling up for it.
Rule #2: ALWAYS be objective, emotions are temporary
Have you ever been so frustrated, angry, or upset that you can feel your emotions bubbling to the surface? Face red, hot, and ready to explode despite knowing deep down that lashing out at your partner is a bad idea? As someone who has been there before, I will give you a bit of a personal anecdote; my last relationship was toxic, and I had no reference point for where to set boundaries or when to leave. Through panic attacks and dishes shattered on the floor, through name-calling and even physical aggression – I have learned now that even needing to argue is going too far.
Before you even think about entering a relationship, you need to be at the helm of your emotions. This will have an overflowing positive impact on every single aspect of your life. It will enable you to have direct control over your relationships and deliver you from being a victim of past negative experiences. This is how you deal with negative emotions:
- Observe your feelings from a third-person perspective.
- Notice how they make you feel, e.g., angry, sad, anxious.
- Make it a rule for yourself to never act on unstable emotions.
- Excuse yourself if needed and do something else until your emotions pass.
- Address your emotions by tending to physical needs, e.g., food, hydration, rest, personal hygiene.
- AVOID projecting blame onto your partner.
- If your partner has said something that upsets you, do not take it personally; do not stoop to their level of negativity; address it when you are in a neutral state of mind*
- Communicate objectively, after reflection with the aim of making peace – AVOID provocation.
Rule #3: Your partner is not your therapist or punching bag
Your partner is not your therapist, and you should not expect them to handle any of your past trauma like a professional would be capable of. You can ask them if they are in the right mindset for talk when you need someone to listen, but if they decline or both parties are overly emotional, then you should respect that the timing is off. Just as you are deserving of personal time and space, your partner is not someone who is always readily available for you to trauma dump or rant to. Address issues right away without bringing your personal past experiences into the mix. For example – Your partner has made a casual remark that upsets you because it reminds you of something someone else has said in the past and triggers an insecurity:
Don’t: Start festering a grudge against your partner assuming they had bad intentions and put blame on them to cope with negative past experiences.
Don’t: Compare your partner to a past ex or family member who has treated you unfairly.
Don’t: Release your emotions by reprimanding, insulting, yelling, or subtly provoking your partner.
Do: Communicate to your partner as soon as the issue occurs if you are able to do so calmly and objectively.
Do: Excuse yourself if you are feeling overly emotional and need to sort through past problems that have arisen.
Do: Reflect on how this has affected you personally and communicate with your partner after having sorted out your feelings already.
Rule #4: Stay detached and love unconditionally
I’ve said it in my other posts and I’ll say it again here because I cannot stress this enough. We would all be cured of neurotic tendencies, insecurity, and attachment problems if we were aware that all we needed to do was detach. The overarching concept is this – one day you will die. Your parents will die, your friends will die, and your partner will die. It is inevitable. You need to come to terms with the fact that death is just as natural as life, and without death, I would argue there is no beauty in living. Do not enter a relationship expecting your partner to be with you forever and no matter what. Do not have any expectations or assumptions whatsoever.
Imagine you are walking through a beautiful garden and there are jasmine flowers along your path. To observe, admire, and experience their presence is to love them unconditionally. To imagine them sitting on your kitchen countertop and give in to the urge to pick them and bring them home is to possess them. When it comes to people, it is no different. Too often in relationships, the problem occurs when one person wants their partner to change to fit the mold they have conjured up in their mind, such as:
‘If you were more ambitious and started a business, I could see us long term.’
‘I like what you can provide for me, but if we had more in common, we would be more compatible.’
‘My partner is attractive, but I wish they were more emotionally stimulating.’
Be present in the now and enjoy every moment as it comes with your partner. If you ever find yourself feeling unsatisfied or wanting something from your partner, think about the last time they did something selfless for you before you openly complain or express dissatisfaction. See my post How to Interact with Other People to Get What You Want if you have trouble communicating and receiving things from your partner. If, on the other hand, you find you have been chronically unhappy about something your partner cannot change then:
Rule #5: Stop f*king settling
You are allowed to have standards, whether your priority is someone who:
- is most compatible personality-wise.
- is wealthy and able to support you.
- is ready to start a family and settle down.
Know what you want in a relationship. If you aren’t sure yet, that’s okay and it is normal for our opinions to evolve over time but as a guide:
- If you want princess treatment from a rich man then don’t date a broke guy because he has ‘potential.’
- To be realistic is to consider things as they are in the present moment.
- If after some time you have figured out what you want in a relationship and your partner is not able to provide this for you then you are allowed to leave. You are not stuck with someone just because they were your high school sweetheart, the same goes whether you have been together for ten years or are even married with kids:
Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages
sunk-cost fallacy
noun
- the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.”the sunk-cost fallacy creeps into a lot of major financial decisions”
(PSA: I was in a seven year relationship with my high school sweetheart and breaking up was the best thing I ever did)
The Takeaway
Unless you put yourself first and cultivate self love, you are going to find yourself disappointed over and over and over again in every relationship until you finally learn that the things you need cannot be found in another person, until you learn that to love unconditionally is to see the beauty in coexisting with another human being without the need to change or possess them. Your partner is just like you – imperfect and unique, so they cannot fit any mold you Unless you put yourself first and cultivate self-love, you are going to find yourself disappointed over and over and over again in every relationship until you finally learn that the things you need cannot be found in another person, until you learn that to love unconditionally is to see the beauty in coexisting with another human being without the need to change or possess them. Your partner is just like you – imperfect and unique, so they cannot fit any mold you create as an idealized version of them in your head; neither can it be guaranteed that they will handle all your problems like a professional therapist would so let go of these expectations for your sake. If you know what you want – or just as importantly what you don’t want in a relationship and have realized your partner cannot fulfill these needs, then it would be fair on the both of you to stop settling because the right person is already in you and someone who deserves you is out there waiting for you to find them.
Disclaimer:
The content provided in this article is based on the author’s personal opinions and experiences and is not intended as professional advice. The term “manipulate” is used metaphorically and can be interchangeable with “fine-tuning” to convey positive influence.
Readers are urged to exercise their discretion and seek advice from qualified professionals for their specific situations. The author is not an expert in relationships, and the suggestions presented may not be suitable for everyone. Every relationship is unique, and outcomes may vary.
The author disclaims responsibility for the consequences of applying the advice in real-life scenarios. Personal experiences may differ, and readers should consider their values and beliefs when interpreting the content. If seeking professional help, consult with qualified experts for tailored advice.
The author is not liable for any outcomes resulting from the application of ideas in the article. Decisions should be made based on individual judgment and consideration of unique circumstances.
